I used to hate the term “Cougar” for all the obvious reasons. First, it evoked images of Mrs. Robinson in a girdle and garters, smoke billowing around her alcoholic head as she seduced a vulnerable (but willing) Benjamin. Flash forward to leopard clad women over 40 showing way too much cleavage, voguing in 4 inch stilettos, hanging out at bars, guzzling wine and dragging home young prey. Every time the media interviewed me, I cringed, knowing the obvious questions would be asked: “Isn’t this just about sex?” “Isn’t this just about money?” I endeavored to explain to them that in my 20 years of interviewing thousands of younger men/older women as a human behavior research psychologist and world’s foremost authority on cross generational dating and psychosexual imprinting (translation: Cougar and Cub dating) that they had it all wrong. The media is promoting what I coined “The Myth of Stiffler’s Mom” as in the film American Pie. The younger men and the media who think the younger man/older woman relationship is just about sex or money have never been in a relationship with an older woman. If they had, they’d know the truth. It’s about the total package; the whole nine yards. It actually upsets the younger men who tell me they are “sick and tired” of having their desires for older women trivialized.
The majority of women who are ages 40-50′s are Cougars. Women in their 30′s are Pumas. Women in their 20′s are Kittens. Pumas and Kittens are considered Cougars in training.. L Women in their 60′s and older are Panthers. There are fewer Kittens, Pumas and Panthers than there are Cougars; but for the sake of argument, they are all “Cougars.” The oldest member of my dating site is a 77 year old Panther. The youngest is a Kitten in her 20′s.
Here is what I have realized and here is what I have advocated to the thousands of Cougars I represent: YOU define what a Cougar is for yourself. Do not let the media. your friends, other Cougars, younger men or so called “trend experts” who just heard the word “Cougar” two years ago, tell you how to define yourself as a Cougar. There are basic ingredients that do make up the definition: an older woman who dates, mates and/or marries a younger man. That is the basic criteria of what a Cougar is. If you don’t do that, then perhaps you are just a feminist, or an advocate, but a Cougar you ain’t.
You don’t have to look like Courteney Cox, have Demi Moore’s money, have Madonna’s confidence, or Cher’s success to be a Cougar.
People who say a Cougar is a “sexy, confident, successful, mature woman who knows what she wants” is leaving out the majority of women who consider themselves Cougars but who may not be successful or sexy or confident. In fact, she may be fresh out of a 20 year stale marriage, up to her eyeballs in debt and feeling insecure about those extra 20 pounds but finds that she is attracted to and open to a relationship with a younger man. And she is having one. Sorry, fantasizing doesn’t count. It does not meet the criteria.
So, if you are a Cougar, don’t be ashamed by this term. It is not derogatory. It is not a put down. “Wear the paw with pride”. Define who you are as a Cougar and dispel the myths that are out there. “Cougar” is just a word; and words can’t hurt you, shame you or guilt you. Ageism is the last barrier we are breaking down in dating. Even if you are not a Cougar at least now you understand a little more about what one truly is…and is not. And women who are Cougars, embrace the word and know who they truly are is defined by themselves, not anyone else.
